There are currently 334,000 Dragon Ball Z music videos on YouTube.  20,000 alone involve Linkin Park.  13,000 of those are just for “In the End”.  I will let you wrap your head, fresh from a crippling aneurysm, around these facts as we begin this week’s article.

For those not keeping score with this fabulous, fabulous show, DBZ follows the story of a bunch of hypermuscular men who, imbued with the mystical power of grunting, fire nuclear explosions at each other for 500 episodes.  For whatever reason, this has led hordes of fans to stitch together scenes from the show, slap on Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” and upload it to YouTube, where it can sit and fester alongside videos of swarthy camwhores lip syncing to the Ying Yang Twins.  Today I’m counting down my top 9 favourites (DBZ videos, not camwhores – that’s next week).

If the links no longer work, don’t fret.  YouTubers are a tenacious lot and the second YouTube has the audacity to delete their crap, five more will spring up in revenge.

Seal’s smooth chocolately vocals work perfectly in tandem with Goku’s roundhouse kicks.  But don’t take my word for it!  Read these testimonials:

ethanw102893 (4 months ago):

This is the best dbz video ever made. i'm serious. this video is a masterpiece.

pncskateprodigy (4 months ago):

wow this was THE BEST dbz music vid I've ever watched. Congrats to the creator, cause this is so inspiring.

Yes, move over “CAT FLUSHING TOILET”, YouTube has a new modern Buddha.  I hope whatever this inspires you to do involves three quarts of Draino.

You too can witness this masterpiece right here

It’s bad enough to have your song snatched for a Dragon Ball Z video - but this isn’t even the original, it’s a trance remix.  It’s also mislabelled as Mozart (because anything with violins was written by Mozart).  All in all, enough of a travesty to keep Grieg whirling in his grave/urn/whatever for the next decade.

It is kind enough to provide a note of caution though:

“WARNING: IF YOU GET SEIZURES EASILY DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.
this took me half a week to make.”

Well, thanks, I guess, but I don’t think bowel movements should take half a week.

Prepare your eyes for an artistic revolution!

A song so bloated it took a hydraulic pump to create.  A cartoon so overblown it could be classed as a level 5 hurricane.  Surely, this is the peanut butter and jelly of YouTube videos.

Somewhere along the way, I apparently forgot to remember that DBZ had a stunningly emotional plot, that could be compared to today’s best melodramas. How wrong I was, as the skull-shattering sounds of aerosmith have proven me wrong once again.

Kidding aside, Putting this song with this cartoon would be about equal to watching the entire miniseries of band of brothers with Yakkity Sax playing all the time.

See for yourself

Walking roach motel Fergie provides the soundtrack to this yaoi tribute.  I’d have rated it lower since her songs are basically like having a miniature piano fall down a miniature staircase inside your ear, but I was intrigued by the central plotline of the video, which seems to involve “Goku” trying to get “Vegeta” love-drunk off his “lovely lady humps.”  The video ends with a compelling philosophical imperative - that is, just what exactly Goku intends to do with “all that ass inside them jeans,” though we are left with a note of optimism that he will “make [us] scream, scream, cos of [his] humps.”

Make your humps scream for mercy

Billy Joel probably never thought his  musical score of late 80’s politics and world affairs would ever be paired with a cartoon about...whatever DBZ is about. I’m pretty sure it’s not about late 80’s politics though. If that were the case then...maybe? No...no. This is a pile of retarded any way you look at it.

Billy joel is probably rolling in his grave.

You would too

Do they even think about the songs they’re using?  Oh, I’ll just open up my playlist and hit random!  Jigga My Nigga it is!

Keeping with the theme of people who should probably be dead but sadly isn’t, john travolta’s most annoying movie ever made simply for the fact that your high school stage crew class still think it’s cool and relevant, is finally paired with DBZ-and all the similarities the two apparently share.

Grab a malt, and pray your sister isn’t around

There are honest-to-god three SEPARATE individuals who thought slapping Hollaback Girl over Dragon Ball scenes would be a socially acceptable activity.  Christ, this is what Nuremburg was for.

The sad thing is that i’m almost afraid one of them was gwen steffani herself, judging by how cracked out she is lately, and that sweet new laptop of hers that she pukes all over in that HP commercial. God forbid she ever find windows movie maker when she’s feeling “creative”.

Until that dark day comes though, we’ve got enough problems now

It’s not strange to slap a Cher song over a Dragon Ball video once you realize they’re both incredibly gay.  But really, who is this appealing to??  Dragon Ball fans?  Cher fans?  Dragon Ball fans who are somehow Cher fans?  Who is saying, “boy, this fulfills all my major interests in life!” and voting it a 5?

The creator describes it as “my best one ever.”  If anyone wants to verify that there is in fact worse, god speed.

In the meantime, have fun with this

honestly, has humanity ever created anything worse than this song? I can try to imagine maybe if a dying woman was shrieking into a microphone for 15 minutes while she’s punched in the stomach repeatedly, but then I remember not even evanescence makes music this bad.

I suppose it was a natural combination when you look at it. Both DBZ and this song makes me want to try my best at recreating the tubgirl scene in my own bathtub as some sort of cry for help, just so I’d never have to endure either of these things again in the asylum.

For now though, we get to cry together.

Well, this is where the trainwreck grinds to a halt.  Hopefully this will help anyone who thinks they have an awesome idea for a music video for their favorite shitty anime show. It should tell them, quite simply;

“Stop. Stop now. Just start masturbating or something.”

ANyway, For staying so long you get a bonus video.  It’s some sort of DragonBall Z/Sailor Moon September 11 tribute.  I dunno.  I guess that’s a bonus.

It’s...something, all right.